I was raised ELCA Lutheran, and I can verify that these are all most certainly true!
...You actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.
...You pronounce it "Lutern."
...Requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then..."
...You know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in
German but can't speak a word of it.
...You have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
...Your house is a mess because you're saved by Grace, not by works, lest anyone should boast.
...The doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice
snowflakes at Christmas.
...You think the communion wafers are too spicy.
...Your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the
organ.
...You dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween.
...You think lime Jell-o with cottage cheese and pineapple is a
gourmet salad.
...You think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a
"mixed marriage."
...Folgers has you on their Christmas list.
...Your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't change"
and "Don't spend."
...You're at an revival and you actually manage to raise
your hands waist high.
...The only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus."
...You and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along with
the 140 members already sitting there.
...You're 57 years old and widowed, and your parents still won't let
you date a Catholic.
...At the close of a memo it states "Peace be with you" and you
respond outloud with "and also with you."
...October 31 is Reformation Day... oh yes, and Halloween.
...You can't get into Heaven without a casserole.
...You notice the Kool Aid stock shoots up during the Vacation Bible
School season.
...You wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead of
coffee and donuts.
...You are referred to as the Frozen Chosen!
...NO ONE comes to service on Time and Talent Sunday.
...Commandment #11--If it's never been done that way before, don't do
it.
...You make your hotdishes with cream of mushroom soup and your
salads with Jell-O.
...You get your weekly fill of world news followed by "into Your hands we commend all for whom we pray..."
...Your children would really rather have stale Hydrox than homemade coffee cake.
...Pretzels dipped in apple juice bring back fond childhood memories of VBS.
...You sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" sitting down.
...A line item in the trustee's budget is "coffee maker maintenance."
...You think tuna hotdish is a gourmet meal.
...Your idea of an affirmation is "This is most certainly true."
...You feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
...You crammed for Confirmation.
...It's 110 degrees in the fellowship hall and you still have coffee after services.
...Change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit to
church.
...The most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship
Committee.
...A diet of worms doesn't sound so bad.
...You squirm slightly when it comes to the part where it says "the holy catholic church.
...Raising hell as a kid was playing on the kneelers during service.
...Your church council votes on God's salary.
...Your pastor still hasn't come back to you with an explanation of consubstantiation, but he's assured you it's not like the Catholics.
...You hit the jackpot for $10 million so you throw a party in the
fellowship hall, and ask all of your friends to bring a side dish or
salad.
...Every time something changes, the old one was better.
...You hold your family reunion in the fellowship hall.
...A capital fund drive is needed to finance the new one million cup
coffee urn.
...You serve Jell-O as a vegetable.
...You can't have a meeting without having a meal.
...Passing the peace takes more time than the sermon.
...All of your casserole dishes have your name printed on masking tape on the bottom.
...You're willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.
...Members of your congregation will miss services but show up for coffee hour.
...All your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.
...Potluck dinners are your favorite indoor sport.
...You find yourself singing "you are seated at the ri-ight hand of the Father..." in the shower.
...You have requested "A Mighty Fortress" on a radio station.
...You automatically sing 'amen' at the end of every song.
...Coffee is the third Sacrament.
...Your congregation has a plain stainless steel chalice but an elaborate coffee service upstairs in the church kitchen.
...You consume some form of Jell-O at every holiday meal.
...You have a relative named Einar or Gunthar.
...You make mix tapes or collect MP3s of hymns appropriate to the liturgical season.
...You hear something really funny during a sermon and smile as loudly as you can.
...the communion cabinet is accessible to all, but the coffee cabinet
is locked up tight.
...You're watching a "Star Wars" movie and when they say, "May the
Force be with you," you respond, "And also with you."
...Your chuch library has three Jell-O coolbooks.
...Your ushers have to rope off the last church pews so the front
isn't empty.
...You have an uncontrollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
...it takes 10 minutes to say goodbye.
...After the Benediction your pastor has to remind you to greet each other in the name of the Lord before dashing off towards coffee hour.
...You believe in prayer but would practically die if asked to pray
out loud in public.
...You believe in the Bible but do not think Bible study is for you
after Confirmation.
...You learned it all in Confirmation classes until you have to teach Sunday School.
...You like to sing except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn
with more than four verses.
...You listen to sermons with great interest except when you are
thinking of something or if the topic is money.
...You believe your pastor will visit you in the hospital even if you
don't notify him or her.
...You usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is your
way of suffering for their sins.
...You expect miracles especally during your stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
...You think that the Bible forbids you from crossing the aisle while
passing the peace.
...You feel that applauding for your children's choir is inappropriate during worship.
...You feel guilty for not staying up to clean up after your own
wedding reception the the fellowship hall.
...You KNOW that Garison Keillor's stories are totally factual.
...You serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
...You think that carrots and peas in a tuna noodle hot dish add too much color.
...Doughnuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
...You carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's
a potluck.